Judging by their military past france will be barely worth our time come
november 9th. VICTORY IS OURS!!!!!!!MUAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars
when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded
anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France
claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This
is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of
French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership
of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly
girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with
a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use
of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just
as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic
Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim
Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador
fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.