A satire based on the current state of affair and inspired by a
friend's experience in agd games.

I am so Godly

Hello, my name is Hamma-pwnz and I am here to tell you why I am so
godly.  I only took 3 days to get to level 93.  How did I do that?  I
got my buddy to rush me then I joined Baal runs.  Only noobs play
through, godly players like me always rush.  Being godly that I am, I
immediately ran for Keys and I traded them for godly items like Enigma,
HotO, HoZ, Shako, Arachnid, Mara, SoJ, and finally CtA.  "I am so
godly," I thought.  While those noobs take 5 mins to run Nilly with
their babas, sin, or other noobie characters, I can get there in less
than 1 min.  "Omg, wth kinda noob don't have nigma."

Time to start a new char.  I made a lightning sorc next.  Of course I
gave her merc an Ethereal Infinity, what do you think I am?  My sorc
can do Baal run in just under 2 mins.  "Omg I so godly."  That got
boring fast, I gotta do more godly chars.  So came my Faith/Fort
bowazon, I gave her merc an Ethereal Pride.  Followed by my auradin and
many other godly chars.  This game is so easy, I thought, no matter
what chars I make I always pwnz.  Maybe I am just too godly, that's
why.

Then I heard about agd.  Sharing items, eh?  That's kinda cool, I'm
gonna check it out.  I met someone, whom I shall refer to as Lez.  "Omg
this noob uses crapzor like Vipermagi and The Ward."  I mean, "wtf
kinda noobs use those?"  I gotta show this noob how someone godly like
me play the game.  When we were ready for the next game, I said I'd
make the new game.  I immediately tele'ed to to Baal even before Lez
joined.  I partied her and opened a TP.  She came in my TP and got
killed instantly.  "Omg this noob is hopeless. Who ever uses Disciple
set on a melee chantress."  Worse yet, how dare she even blamed me for
the TP.  I was there too and I was okay, it's her own fault for wearing
crapzor and got killed, right?  Right?!  You're a chantress, where's
your dream, coh, and cta?  OK fine next game I won't tele to Baal, we
just clear from WSK.

Omfg I'm getting tired of this noob, soooo f***in slow.  I gotta show
how the game is supposed to be played.  I ran ahead to draw a whole
bunch of monsters and swinged my hamma at em.  "Omg I so godly."
That's how you suppose to play noob, I thought.  I mean, you don't even
have an Infinity, how do you expect to kill anything with your noob
sorc.  Lez got killed again, omg what a noob.  She blamed me for
walking ahead of the group and thus waking up too many monsters.  Omg I
had enough noob for a day.

I figured it's time to start a smiter.  Smite-Yo-Azz only took 2 days
to get to level 90.  "I so godly."  Of course I give my smiter the
godliest items, Last Wish, Ethereal Exile Vortex,  CoH Archon,
Dracul's, Verdungo, Goreriders, Ravenfrost, and CtA on switch.  I can
kill ubers in less than 2 mins.  "Omg I so godly."  I can now run the
whole thing in just 4 mins 37 seconds starting from when I open the
first portal till I bring the torch to Cain to ID.  I tell my hamma to
tele to the mini ubers then I smite their azzes to death.  "Omg I so
godly."  I make sure all my buds know I can run torch in just a little
more than 4 mins.  I am so proud of myself.

Well I got no one else to tell how godly I am, so I thought I'd go back
to agd.  I mean, you gotta be super godly to be able to kill ubers in
just over 1 min, right?  I joined agd and someone was questing.  Being
nice and godly, I offered to rush.  I opened a TP in Travincal and
said, "trav up come."  The noob replied, "Thanks but I prefer to walk."
Omg I got sick to my stomach, wtf kinda noob playes the game through,
especially in Act III where you can just TP to Trav and then to Meph.
We all know godly players always rush, Baal runs are the only way to
go.  I quit, I didn't even get the name of that stupid noob.

Unsatisfied that I hadn't gotten anyone to tell how godly I am, I
joined agd again at a different time.  There were more people this
time.  Better mix, I thought, some were noobs with crapzor items, some
wore godly items, almost like me.  The noobs suggested to run Pit,
Tunnel, Bonesaw, Snapchip, and other things I've never even heard of.
I mean, who the hell ever runs Glacial Trail or even ever pick up the
WP, and how about those caves no one ever heard of, Abaddon, Drifter
Cavern, and whatever stupid names they are.  Omg this is gay, I
thought.  Good thing I at least got a chance to tell everyone there how
godly I was.

Yeah, agd is gay, but I still join it, why?  Because everyone there is
stupid.  I mean, Hello?! Baal just just drop a unique item, and
everyone was just standing there like an idiot.  I'm always the first
one to pick up the drops.  "Omg I so godly."  I never before seen a lot
of these items, things like TombReaver, Gladiator Bane, Nosferatu Coil,
and more.  I don't need them at all.  Who'd want them if you already
have godly items like nigma, coh, hoto, but hey I don't want these
noobs to have them either.  I'm just gonna save them and maybe I'll
give them to some other noobs later so the whole world thinks that I am
so generous.  After all, "omfg i so godly."

GG nubs.